unlucky?

There's no one to blame for what I have got now. I want to blame someone but I know I shouldn't and I can't. Who should I blame? If I get to blame someone, will I feel better? Perhaps, I will. At least I got to throw my tantrums and be mad all I want but no, nobody to be blamed, except my luck. My luck to go back home on the day I could have gone to report and got where I wanted, my luck to have picked the piece nearer to me, my luck not to have the initiative to choose first, my luck to have found a fine room but not a suitable house, my luck to have to share bathroom with strangers not to mention-men, my luck to be stuck in a house with unknown scary men, my luck that my fear is becoming stronger till it seems like a nonsense to others but never to me, my luck for the fear of the history repeating itself, my luck for the old fear sparking to life, my luck for being so vulnerable both mentally and physically, my luck for everything. I like it here in Mersing, for the distance from Kelvin and Singapore being only maximum of 2 hours except for the dark road at night, I like the Hospital Mersing too cos I am half the boss, at least I am not the boss or else my work load will crush me, I like the weather cos it's cold even without the aircond and fan, I like the thought that I could save more money than in JB though my COLA being deducted RM200. I am ok with being posted to Mersing, thank god I have been here before to go to Tioman, at least I know shortest route. Unlike those town-like people who claimed that Mersing was very ulu just because they haven't heard it before or they haven't been here before, I just had to shake my head, tsk-tsk. I don't really mind if there's no chinese food or edible food around cos I can always live on maggi, cereal drinks and also biscuits, though a bit unhealthy, well, I guess I will just cover my dinner with a bigger lunch and look forward to Friday cos Friday just means NICE GREAT food even though they might not be as nice. I can't help being a little harsh on my mom just now cos I really can't accept that she wants me to stay here away from civilization just to save more money, not to go to Kelvin's as often as possible, just because she doesn't understand the situation here. Mom, I am sorry, I just don't mean to make you worry but seriously the food here sucks!! Haih..what else can I say? All I hope is that I can get out of here after 1 year if not 6 months. Just the thought of staying in the same house for 1 month already gives me goosebumps, I wonder if I can last 6 months. Haih...I hate living in fear!! Who likes,right... As long as I wish hard enough, my dream will come true, right? For now, I can only look forward to Friday.....