shite happened

Uhh..I am down, damn down. I didn't even know what his problem was but I could just feel that a door was slammed right into my face BAM!! (not literally). I thought I hurt him so I asked, but he just brushed it off with a scrunched forehead and I thought that was that but heck, NO. Everyone got to laugh and talk with him except me. I totally got it, the vibes that I was not invited or accepted in his room. FINE, I will walk away, I did. And it made me feel worse, I felt like I had been banished to the lowest level, the same level as the Snake, or maybe lower. Uhh...Hey, do tell me if I have done any wrong, at least I get to apologize. And now I have to leave with a heavy heart. I am sooo going back tomorrow wondering what went wrong just now. Idiot! Was it because I strangled him a bit? But that's like practically my everyday job. YES, I do care, so what? Not only him, I care about what everyone thinks of me. I don't want to taint my image in everyone's heart (though I believe they are already tainted, I just don't want to make it worse). Sigh..nobody's perfect, I know I know.. Well, I guess I care more about what he thinks of me. And this makes me feel even worse. I should stop. I should let go, I know I should. I have been a very bad friend to everyone. I have neglected my friends, going after something that's not solid, not secured. I was never like that, why have I changed? I am so sorry. I can't believe myself, thinking back, I noticed that everyday, I just wanted to fight for his attention (and I always lost), have prejudice towards people, agonizing over something petty, wanting him by my side 24/7, waiting at home for him to have dinner with me like a lost puppy (more like a besotted fallen puppy) and all the negative stuffs. I have been unfair and let the devil tarnish my readily soiled mind. Urgh! I hate the current me. I just can't believe how there were times when my head was filled with him, I got to change. REALLY change. I REALLY WANT TO LET GO! AND I AM GOING TO FORCE MYSELF TO. HE IS HISTORY.