am i?

Had lunch with WJ. He commented on something that set my wheel rolling. He has made plans to go KL after the week of his night shift, his main plan is to meet the girl of his dream, maybe the second girl of his dream, another ultra thin girl. Well, I wish him luck. Out of curiosity, I asked where he was going to stay, the girl's house? He replied, if the girl offered him to stay at her house, he would be ULTRA surprised, cos it just meant that she was not a 'good' girl, totally not worth it. Now, I just had a feeling that he indirectly meant me, knowing that Kelvin came to my house after work. Cos I said I would offer Kelvin to stay at my place if he was to go Penang. Alright, it's improper to offer a guy a place, be it he's your boyfriend, best friend, or whatever friend. As long as he has no connection whatsoever, it's just improper. It's my belief too. But I, myself, have broken what I believe. I didn't think much that time. I just offered out of kindness and on a pure thought that there was nothing between us except pure friendship and I just want to spend as much time with him as possible, and of course, I don't deny, I secretly hope that I would take over the memory of his previous trip with his ex-girlfriend. But now.. I kept asking myself, what have I done? My dream relationship? My dream courtship? All got jumbled the day I let Kelvin drop by my house. Am I giving the idea that I am a slut? I am soiled? I am no more pure? Am I giving the idea that I am desperate? Sigh~I don't deny I am desperate, but it's all just a show, isn't it? Oh, I don't know... Am I? I just have a feeling that I am the one who rushed Kelvin into this relationship and he, being the kind one, offered to clear my name and doubts by accepting me. There might be no US if I hadn't pestered him so many times. Is it right? Sigh~ please tell me, somebody? I just need a certain reassurance that can put my heart at ease, that I am doing the right thing. I kept telling myself that everyone is different, I am different. Oh...tell me, I am not desperate, tell me he wants this too as much as I do.... Oh, reassurance...