thank god..

Today, I had another clinical at the surgery ward-neurology. It is something new for me and this is the second time I am exposed to the patients up close. Yesterday's exposure at the ward was fine as it wasn't as complicated as today's. The patients I met yesterday could talk and some even talked easily and it was comfortable. But today, I was like totally thrown into another whole new universe that made me think a lot.

The patients in this ward were either lying unconscious on the bed, screaming in pain, talking non-stop or looking at you in a weird kind of silent uneasy way. I got a patient who was in a rather severe condition(to me) with a swelling at the left side of his head and eating with the help of a tube through the nose to the stomach. He could hardly move and aware of his surroundings and his parents had to help him in everything. I had a look at him before I went for my lunch and I wondered if I would puke my lunch out later. What a thought.

I gave a lot of thoughts to it, to my profession, to the patients, to my surroundings, to everything my invisible fingers can lay upon. Even to myself. I feel that I am very lucky to be sitting here now, to be blogging about this, to be able to freely express myself loud and clear, cry when I am in pain, shout when I am angry and jump when I am in joy. I really thank God that I am still here kicking and not on the bed being rolled around, not on the bed being fed through the nose or not on the bed being helped to shit. I hope I don't sound sarcastic.

The thing is when I see this kind of condition, I would be laden with feelings, with sympathy and then I would start feeling sorry for the patient and the family members. I looked at the way the mom handling her son with care, with love, I felt that she was a great mom. Great is not a great word, I need something bigger, indescribable.

I kept thinking that if I were on that bed and my mom cleaning me up, moving me with all her might just to wipe of my ass, my heart would cry even if I couldn't physically. If I could talk or in any way of communication, I would ask to be put to sleep, an euthanasia. I would agree to it if my illness dragged for months or maybe as long as I need help in cleaning myself, I would say yes. I just don't want to burden anyone. I discussed this with a friend and he said something that made me think. He said my parents would feel guilty and sad for letting me go like that. Now, I feel selfish.

This is just the first severe case I met and already so many thoughts bogging down my mind. Now, how am I going to handle others? It made me think that this world has so many things, so many unexpected things, I have still a long way to trudge. A question pops out, am I fit to be what I have chosen?