depressed

Oh, I am soooooo depressed and sad and mad at the same time (at myself). The way TS treats me today and every other days except last night makes me feel like I am on the same level as the Snake!! Shall I say I feel like a dirt? Too heavy. Unwanted doll is more like it. It's like he has PMS and it's up to his mood whether to treat me better or kick me out of his room. It's soooo unfair to me. He treats YC and PY differently!! After he shooed me with his scrunched forehead, I complained to YC and PY and asked them to go in and see if he did the same thing to them. And the result of the experiment was NEGATIVE!! They even laughed and talked so much, he told them sooo many things and even behind the closed door, I could hear their happy laugh. I am not jealous or anything, I just feel INDIGNANT with the way he treats me. He always shoos me out of his room when he watches movie and orders me to watch it on my own PC but when the others walk in and sit down to watch with him, he just lets it. Sigh..perhaps, I am in the same level as the Snake in his eyes and that I am too serious (he always comments me being too serious) and never knows when to joke when not. For god's sake! He shoos me with a serious face, even at the last glance, he does not twitch a brow, how do you expect me to react and think?? Maybe I really do not know how to carry myself around people, maybe I am really too serious, maybe I really don't know how to differentiate between jokes and gravity, maybe all about me is fake. Sigh.. It's because I care, that's why I mind.

Another thing I have been depressed about for days is that I can feel someone is kinda avoiding me. I do not know why and what I did wrong. Maybe I am over-sensitive but my hunch is never wrong, just the same with Edward. When I felt that he was growing away, it was true. I did not even know what I did wrong. And this time is the same too. It's always like that and I hate myself and blame myself for something that I do not know I even have done. It was all good but after that fateful night, I could feel the protective aura started to envelop him and it started to get thicker day by day. He does not even glance at me, leave alone smile. I am taken aback. I want to approach him so badly and ask what I have done and apologize if I ever hurt him. But my pride and dignity hold me back. Perhaps, it is my straightforward open attitude that makes him scramble but I mean well, I am harmless with just a fragile heart. Sigh..

The same thing goes with GH too. He is the most obvious. After I told him my grade, he practically stopped talking to me, walked past me as if I was just an apparition. And I even believe that he has actually blocked me from MSN. I haven't seen him online for ages. Does he have to be sooo revolted with what I have obtained? I mean, it's my grade, not his, I know I always complained to him and made him worry about my grade but I can't believe he was so shocked with the truth. His type of people is what I fear most, someone who grades people by grade. His type of people is what makes others embarrassed of who they are. Even though I have always tucked in my heart that people like him exist, I just never thought that he would be my close friend. I am really disappointed. Or perhaps, I guessed wrongly..hope that my hunch this time is wrong.

Sigh...I don't really like what I am going through now, even though I am putting up a smiling face, it is just a front to get through life. I am pathetic, not them...


edited: Indeed my hunch is wrong about GH. Phew...*wiping sweat off my forehead* he indeed did not block me from MSN. I just know he is not that kind of person.. I am wrong. Oh, I am soooo sorry, GH, for misunderstanding. As a worrywart, of course, I was worried after not seeing him on MSN for sooo long. My bad..