nobody actually care..

Crying over such trivial thing is just so me. Just a word and an action have crumbled all the confidence I have built to dust. Tears started to pool and once I met someone who understands, they just fell in the middle of the road itself. I have always told myself that tears make me weak and that I shouldn't shed anymore tears but I just can't help myself.

Yes!! I was hurt, very very hurt. Now I feel childish for saying this and about the thing that has hurt me since it was so trivial. It shows that I am very very sensitive and negative thinking. I just couldn't help it when the anger, hatred and pride swelled and seeped into every cell of my body. I couldn't release it and they were all pooling in me. I am not who you see I am, I can't lead, I don't like to be pressured. I can't never live up to people's expectation on me. Yeah, call me selfish. I just can't be bothered. Yes, I am spontaneous, that is why I am an Innovator and not an Adopter.

Suddenly I felt so lonely and isolated like I don't belong to anywhere, not here not in this world. It's been like this all the time, just waiting for me to realize and I have been so blind!! So damn blinded by the thought that the world revolves around me. That I am very important and perfect or complete when actually I am nothing but just a speck of unimportant flawed dust that can be brushed off anytime. Now that I am too minute a dust that I can't invade into anything at all, too isolated, too different to be fully accepted or belong to any group or species. And all the while I have just been standing at the side watching people and things going around me instead of taking part in them.

Why do I care so much about what people say? I have always thought that I don't but just that trivial thing that should not be that important has struck me hard on my head and kicked some sense into my blinded world that YEAH I CARE. I can't come up with anything to console the hurt me why I care. I feel that it's probably that I don't find the confidence in my appearance that I start feeding on what people say about me and as long as there are good praises, I would be happy but when there is bad thing, I would go mad with myself for making people think negative about me and that my good impression is going bad in their heart.

Thinking again and again about it, I shouldn't waste so much time caring what people think about me like what I usually tell people. I don't have to make people happy to make myself happy. I shall practise what I hold and believe instead of going all words and no actions at all.

Like what Jason told me, crying and worrying about how my friendship and communication with people have gone sour is just so stupid and this is nothing to compared to what other more unfortunate people have gone through. He suggested that I should keep my tears for global warming, people going through wars and famine etc. Well, that cheered me a bit.