Thinking, thinking and thinking. Shall I or shall I not? But how do I say 'No' when I need to? Sometimes I just feel bad for saying white lies or saying 'no' to people.
Like today, I don't really want to borrow my squash racket to Xian Yang but I just couldn't bring myself to say 'no'. I really love that racket and I never allow anyone to use it without me being there. It's a gift from my dad but I can't lie that I need it. I am torn. I know who he is playing squash with and I don't trust them at all. What if they accidentally smash the racket on to the floor or the wall and this always happens in the game, the damage depends on the strength you use. I just hope that there won't be any scratches on it or torn into half like what happened to my friend's RM200 a few years ago. And now I am torn.. or should I be harsh and say 'no'? But that will make me look bad, won't it?
There was another case too when my friend came over to overnight at my place and she treated my house like a hotel. She just came to sleep only and went off to date the next day while everyone thought that she was going out with me. And I even had to wait for her till 2.30am just to open the door for her. Imagine I was nodding off at the table while waiting obediently and she didn't even care to give me the detail where she was and I was worried sick that she got lost or met with an accident. What pissed me off was that her last message was to tell me not to wait for her any longer as she was not coming back that night, after I had been from 10pm till 2.30am. Well, I could't blame anyone or get mad at anyone because I was the one allowing her to overnight at my place. Again I couldn't say no and stand my ground.
And I have hurt my body again..the muscles are all in pain especially at the arms and shoulders and also there are some bruises on the arm because of the heavy photocopied books I carried. This is thanks to me being over responsible for the job I have taken upon myself. I can't let anyone -especially the ladies- carry my bag or the photocopied notes because I find that this is my job and I just have to do it fully. Yee Chiun and others have always offered to carry my bag but I just don't have the nerve to do so as my bag is very heavy itself and they have already too much burden on their shoulders and hands. And why are the MEN around me NOT gentleman enough and blind? I can answer that question..because I am NOT the type of girls worth helping. Do I really look that tough?
Then again I can't say 'no' when people have high expectations on me and when there are no more capable people around to carry out the responsibilities. I would feel bad if I decline or reject someone. But why do people just love to look at me when there are jobs to do? Try looking around more, people!! There are better candidates than me.
Well, I should just shut up about it as all these are brought onto myself by non other than me. I can hardly say 'no' especially when I am asked to accompany someone to go out or to do something together. I feel bad and guilty if I ever reject someone because I don't want to be treated this way, I mean being rejected by people, that's why I try my best to say 'yes' to everything. It's just weird.. Ya ya, I can just admit that I don't normally accept 'no' as answer, that's why I try not to say 'no' to people. I feel hurt to be rejected so I thought others will feel hurt too. I'm just so hard to understand..I can't figure it myself either.
No comments:
Post a Comment